Yesterday his impersonation of sedimentary rock was quite impressive… And today Shady showed his versatility by performing a range of aerial moves in a commendable effort to impress the judges.
Primped and preened, without a poo stain in sight. we made our debut into the ring.
Shoulders back, boobs out, yes Ma’am, we were ready to slay…
Skewiff collar and untucked shirt because no one likes perfection 🤷♀️
For a few glorious moments it was going to plan until Shades opted for a more visually spectacular version of the common canter.
And, like a true performer he punctuated them with a sequence of ear piercing farts.
It was genius really, because just in case the judge’s attention was elsewhere – he could quickly get her to refocus with his audio reminders.
Then, as we sailed past the competition, doing the tooting dolphin impression – it became clear I probably would not be making friends…
It was like the world’s fastest and weirdest speed dating game.
“How do you do? I’m about to die…Sorry about this…Nice scrunchie”…all communicated silently of course – with wide eyes and white knuckles.
Before we fart-leapt toward our next partner in the ring.
“Hello there…No need to be terrified, I am absolutely in control… tally ho!”
Farty leap, farty leap.
And as the day wore on it got hotter and I got sweatier, dustier and frizzier.
At one point suncream oozed into my eye so gallantly rode with a drunk pirate wink for a few classes 🏴☠️💪
During the ‘Mount Most Suitable’ class we needed to pop over a small jump and as we sailed through the air I thought ‘Finally! We are truly demonstrating equestrian excellence’….only to land on the other side of the jump and begin another series of farty leaps.
I began commentating for the otherwise silent ring…
‘Not suitable, not suitable….Shady, you giant grey blimp.. this is definitely not suitable’
I figured that by narrating for the judge, she could keep track of the gaseous, horse shaped wrecking ball in her ring while giving other riders the discerning eyeballs they deserved.
Anyway, as the squinty, sweaty minutes ticked by, i realised I only had one chance left to get me one of those tauntingly shiny ribbons.
It was time to play hardball.
I dismounted and sought the insider advice of my learned colleague and Adult Rider Club Oracle, Rosie.
“Rose.. please help. What the hell is the difference between ‘Mount Most Suitable’ and ‘Pleasure Mount’? And how should I best demonstrate that pleasure? Is there a particular type of pleasure I can show to get me one of those goddamn shiny ribbons?”
Ever patient and generous with her knowledge, Rose used all the right words like ‘contact’ and ‘forward’ which, incidentally work just as well on the battlefield as they do in a horse show ring
“Yeah but um…is there any particular way I should demonstrate pleasure?”
And just like that.. the civilized, supportive coaching advice turned into screeching fits of laughter..and through streaming tears she suggested I could re-enact THAT scene from When Harry Met Sally.
And with that, I powered forth to take our position in the last class of the day…
And just before you go playing some victory montage in your head and loading the glitter canons …it was very anticlimatic, yet predictable as we did a few lacklustre farts and showed ourselves out.
Sadly my facial expressions designed to communicate ‘Ooh, look at me and all this pleasure I’m having over here’ fell flat and the shiny ribbon was not forthcoming.
I must admit, I’m quite disappointed because I was styled much better than any of my competitors in a pleasure perspective. I had a very authentic sweaty red face and wild hair to go with it.
Oh well, I guess it’s back to the pleasure demonstrating drawing board for me…
Incase you missed it, you can read Part One here.